You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
