the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
