Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
