you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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