my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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