shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
