You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
