I got chris browned last night
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
