Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
