Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
