if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
