Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
