a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
