I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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