I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
