Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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