I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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