Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
do herpes really smell.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
