Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
