I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
