i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
