My nipple is on Facebook.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
