Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize