my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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