Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
