Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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