Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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