I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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