Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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