She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize