we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
