I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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