my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
