Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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