once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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