jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
