Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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