I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
