i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
