Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
