Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
