having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
