your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
