Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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