So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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