Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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