Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
