Someone shit on the floor
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
