Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
