i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
