if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
