Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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