all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
