so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
