The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
