What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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