hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
