Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
