i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Alive.
So much puke
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
