you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
