where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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