So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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