Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I will be naked everywhere
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
