If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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