It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
