Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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