So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
