wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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