Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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